Archive for December, 2007

ESPN goes pornographic…

Thursday, December 20th, 2007

If you thought ESPN slutted itself out to sponsors and advertisers this Summer with its ESPN Mobile and “Who’s Now?” campaigns, way till you see who they spread their legs for in this video.

Its an ESPN video with Kendra, one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends at the Playboy Mansion, but the opening minute could easily be mistaken for a Woody-worthy porno flick. Right down to the cheesy music and awkward opening scene between Kendra and the host:

Kendra: What’s up, Bruce!?

Host: Kendra, what’s happening?

(they embrace on the doorstep)

Kendra: How are you?

Host: I’m doing good.

Kendra: Come on in!

Host: Well, thank you for having me. I like the sweatshirt…

Kendra: Thanks! Chargers, baby!

Host: You getting ready for the game?

Kendra: Yeah! You gonna watch it with me?

Host: (nervously) I think so…

Kendra: And we’re gonna have my mom join us, too.

(Host’s knees buckle)

End scene!

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My life’s work is vindicated…

Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

Its not really “news” since it was reported three years ago, but the release of research suggesting that humans evolved into distance runners gives me a great deal of pride.

 ”From our spring-loaded ligaments to our muscular behinds to our ability to sweat, the human body took the ideal shape of a long-distance runner starting some 2 million years ago, the researchers say. The long, lean build helped us scavenge widely scattered kills and could also have been an advantage when hunting down prey over long distances.”

Not only am I a lifetime runner and oft-ridiculed for my passion, but I always championed the theory that humans are, at their instinctual core, endurance athletes. Incorporating skilled-set sports into our athletic arena was just a feeble attempt to maintain our position at the top of the food chain.  Deep down, we know we don’t have the agility, speed, strength or explosiveness to play ball with other animals on this planet.

But throw a fit runner into a 10,000 meter race, and we’ll beat 99.9% of the world’s species. In fact, I’d like to see a horse stack up to Haile Gebrsellasie in a marathon. There has to be a company out there desperate enough for attention to sponsor an event like that.

Anatomically speaking, the study credits our gluteus maximus and an extra “spring-loaded” ligament in our ankle as the points of advantage.

Anyone who is reading this needs to heed their primordial call of the wild, lace up those flashy $120 shoes,  link up that iPod and head out on a run tonight!

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Pointing the finger at the media

Friday, December 14th, 2007

New York, Dec. 13Big Bad George Mitchell, wielding a menacing index finger, wreaked havoc at his press conference yesterday, which was supposed to be held to announce the results of his 20-month investigation into steroid use in Major League Baseball.

Instead, he turned his podium into a missile launch site, firing offensive finger pointing at anyone who dared make eye contact.

That’s the lead that should accompany some of the photos of these news reports I’ve been reading about the Mitchell Report. Is it me or did most of these articles have a large, dark picture of Mitchell pointing in what looked like a very confrontational manner?

But really, it was just him answering the questions of journalists, picking them out with an extended arm and pointed finger.

So why does the media feel they have to blow up an already blown up story with misleading photos?

Of course it wouldn’t be a party without Selig looking like a complete villain.

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A moment of silence for the good guys…

Friday, December 14th, 2007

There are very few instances in a life of paradigm shifts that I can acutely recall the moment in time that I changed.

But to this day I’ll forever maintain that I officially became a fan of baseball in October of 1995 during the ALDS between the New York Yankees and the Seattle Mariners. It was the first time that I felt genuine heartache from such a meaningless result. “My” team lost, and it pained me like hell.

The Yankees lost that series 3-2, but would bounce back to win 4 of the last 5 World Series Championships, cementing their legacy as an anchor of my childhood.

It wasn’t just the New York Yankees that I became a fan of that Fall. Although the stars of Mariano Rivera, Andy Pettitte, Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada were just beginning to align in the Big Apple, there were powers on the other side that were equally as irresistible.

A 26-year old phenom named Ken Griffey Jr., by that time, had “only” 189 home runs but it was clear he was the next in line to challenge the home run kings of our past time. He fulfilled his potential, compiling 438 home runs by the time he was 30. Today, Griffey has 593, good for 4th all time on the career list (6th if you count Bonds and Sosa). If it weren’t for a series of injuries that plagued him late in his career — a trend, mind you, that comes naturally to all aging athletes — we might be talking about King Ken Griffey.

Then there was this other kid in the series who barely made the post season roster. He didn’t do much that year, but would prove a worthy investment no matter where or how much money was spent on him. His name? Alex Rodriguez.

Throw in Randy Johnson and that series had what’s shaping up to be — after the Mitchell Report outed 31 all-Stars, a 7-time Cy Young winner, and an MVP for using performance enhancing drugs — the making of your all-Clean team during the decade-long steroids era.

A-Rod and Jeter on the left side. Frank Thomas on the other.

Johnson throwing to Posada, with Griffey backing them up in center field.

That’s a pretty respectable line-up. In more ways than one.

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Luck’s got….something to do with it

Monday, December 10th, 2007

Professional athletes are famous for their conveniently outspoken faith — whenever they get interviewed upon receiving some kind of medal or award, I always chuckle to myself when they exclaim, “I just want to thank God” or some variation of nonsense for said achievement.

I always think to myself, “dude, God doesn’t give a shit about your team.”

God isn’t responsible for athletic pursuits, but in a lot of ways, luck is. Less so for some. But for others, its a huuuuge responsibility.

I couldn’t get this out of my clouded coconut while I was in Puerto Rico this weekend. Stumbling around San Juan from Blackjack table to Hold ‘em table and back — yet surprisingly I wasn’t fully intoxicated despite the endless flow of Medallas I’d consumed– I realized that the large wad of dolares in my pocket had nothing to do with my porous card counting or my giggly tell. It had to do with luck, plain and simple.

Whereas in real sports the lucky are weeded out and inevitably exposed as frauds, in poker and blackjack, the lucky are high-fived.

This was poignantly clear when I knocked a veteran player of the casino and an owner of a nearby gentleman’s club from a tournament I was playing in. Unquestionably, he was the better poker player. I could go into details of how I knew this, but let’s just say that I couldn’t pick up on a flush draw if I was playing Uno.

Still, when this guy bet hard on a high pocket pair, I took the bait and managed to catch my strait on the river that knocked him out for good. How is that fair? And how is it fair that amateur poker players have won the last four World Series of Poker tournaments?

Well its not, of course. Its called luck.

“Winners” are overrated…

Monday, December 10th, 2007

Remember when Tennessee Titans rookie QB Vince Young took over five games into the 2006 season and led his team from 0-5 to an 8-3 finish? That epic turn-around set in stone a faulty reputation for Young that got its roots in college: Young always played well enough to win. Whether in National Championship game against favorite USC, when he combined for 467 yards (200 on the ground) and 3 touchdowns, or during his rookie year winning streak, when he had a paltry 66 quarterback rating, his teams always seemed to end up in the win column.

In short, his actual statistical performances are peripheral to some intangible quality that enables positive results.

Which, of course, is absurd. Whenever individual athletes in team sports are valued based on intangible qualities — “he’s a good locker room guy”; “selfless”; or “sacrifices for the team” — while their actual game tangibles are ignored, its usually a red flag that he’s not all that good.

(Well, at least that’s the case in fantasy sports.)

But Young was different. Dubbed as merely “unpolished”, Young is a physical marvel — built like a defensive back, with a strong arm, running back speed and a marvelous athletic ability.

In college, that was enough. And that reputation appeared to precede him following his rookie year (for which he was named offensive rookie of the year) and even into this year when the Titans got out to 6-2 start.

All along, Young’s stats stunk. This year he’s been even worse — a 2:1 interception to TD ratio and only a slightly higher qb rating of 68.

Supporters shrug their shoulders and say in their best Chris Berman paraphrase: “All he does is win football games.”

Until losing 3 strait and 4 of 5, that is. In those games, Young’s stats were no better or no worse.

Suddenly, the ‘good-enough-to-win’ theory loses all credibility when the team actually loses. Don’t you see the flawed logic in anointing one player as a sole reason for success or failure of his or her team?

As it turns out, Titans defense was one of the best units in football all along and those few points that Young and his offense actually did manage to put up narrowly outpaced the opponents’. Then the Titans lose a few key defensive personnel, and, (not) coincidentally, the Titans begin their losing streak.

The good-enough-to-win theory has been attempted on the other end of the spectrum, as well — by declaring superior talents “losers” of “chokers” because their teams don’t win. Immediate examples that come to mind are Peyton Manning and Alex Rodriguez. Manning, who will arguably retire as the greatest statistical quarterback of all time, proved critics wrong when he was the 2007 Super Bowl MVP. In route he put together his own version of John Elway’s “the drive” to beat the New England Patriots in the American Conference Championships.

And suddenly that makes him good enough? I could name a half-dozen factors that helped the Colts win that game that were completely unrelated to Mannning. But because of one game, Manning was transformed into a heady veteran with championship resolve.

Rodriguez, god willing, will get his rings to match his numbers. I say this both as a Yankee fan and a staunch defender of my theory that players have a lot less value to their team than the media makes them out to have.

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BCS selflessly considers their student-athletes…

Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

The NCAA’s claim that they consider their student-athletes’ academic interests ahead of athletic interest in defending the current BCS format is the biggest load of bullsh*t. Anyone who is caught citing that in their defense of the BCS should, as a penalty, have to return a kick off against undefeated Hawaii in no pads and with no blockers.

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Unstoppable? Citizen Eco-Drive picked the wrong Manning

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

Perhaps you’ve seen the new-ish TV spots for Citizen Watches. They feature professional athletes who are seen on screen glamorously throwing, swinging, and running. Its part of an ad campaign that is supposed to emphasize the product’s quality and reliability.

In each spot, it introduces the athlete by saying they’re “unstoppable”, which is then compared favorably to the watches.

So and So “is unstoppable,” the narrator says. “So are Citizen Eco-drive watches.”

Or something to that effect.

So why, may I ask, is Eli Manning one of these paid athletes?

Nothing about Eli Manning has been unstoppable this season. In the last two weeks alone he’s combined for two touchdown throws and seven turnovers.

And we’re supposed to associate Eli Manning’s performance on the field with that of a Citizen watch? If that’s the case, I’m not buying.

To compound this poor positioning, they’ve placed these ads throughout New York Giants’ markets on televised games this season. So while Giants fans are cursing and cringing at Manning’s poor decision-making, they’re simultaneously subjected to commercials boasting the opposite: that he is, ‘unstoppable’. Talk about isolating (and aggravating) a key consumer market.

Perhaps the better question to ask is this: Why has Citizen Watches chosen the up-and-down careers of professional athletes as a platform of its message for their ad campaign? Aren’t watches supposed to be steady and consistent? Yet even the greatest of athletes — say, Peyton Manning? — struggle. Their performances, for good or bad, will always transcend the field on which they’re accomplished and affect whatever brand that their pitching for.

In some cases, pro athletes are obvious choices to pitch this certain products, (like athletic equipment and apparel). But even that backfires if companies aren’t careful in choosing their ideal spokesman. Remember the negative headlines that engulfed Nike after they dropped Mike Vick as a spokesman because his moral and legal troubles? Nike’s most protected asset, its brand, suffered severely at the hands of someone who was supposed to build it.

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